reconnecting

so i've decided, among other things, to try and post here every day. i've been waiting for the net to be connected at home, waiting til i find a job, waiting til i feel better, before i felt i could fully re-inhabit this space. no more waiting. waiting is what makes me feel so powerless, so isolated, like nobody understands [because i don't let them]. i've been waiting for my life to get easier but i've been waiting in the dark by myself. now i see that talking with you might help me.

i've had alot of time to think about what kind of life i want to have. i'm going to do more of the things that make me happy, things that reassure me it's okay to back yourself in, be different, extraordinary even. i know i'm good at communicating with people, which is why sitting in a room for three years writing a book that nobody would read just about unhinged me. i don't want to be in that rarefied world any more. i want to be thinking and reacting and talking and listening. out there. out here.

it's good to remember every now and then that when you look around at the world and feel like you don't fit, you can be sure that's a good sign. sharing those thoughts with others is what keeps us going. we look after each other. we remind each other that it's okay to be angry, to care, to laugh in the face of disaster, to want change.

i want change.

the grand national

weekends are funny things when you're unemployed [much the same as they are for the phd student]. the only thing you really notice is that everyone is suddenly free to play. cabaret on thursday, dinner, drinks, dancing on friday, and then the lovely d. took me to see the national at the corner on saturday. bloody hell, were they good. i will definitely save up to buy their album. thanks, gorgeous woman, for thinking of me.

not much more to report. happy that india won the cricket. happy that lleyton's out of the open. happy that i finally gave in to the delights of nip/tuck.

what's with you?

alert the media

TEENAGER HAS PARTY WHILE PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN.

is anyone else completely baffled/amused/delighted by this? i just can't get enough of corey delaney*. i mean, he's obviously a bit of a tool who needs to tone down his explosive 80's fashion homage/montage a smidge, but isn't he just doing what kids do? i mean, sure, he's cheeky but i feel like that makes the outpouring of shock and dismay from his parents even more disingenuous. i mean, it's not like we have an honours student on our hands here. i find it hard to believe that this is the first indication of his naughtiness. as for answering the prayers of tabloid journalists, isn't he the perfect poster child for some good old fashioned moral panic and yoof-bashing? let's see...he's:

a] dressed outrageously/in a way unassimilable to old fogies
b] not contrite/calls it the "best party ever**"
c] a touch inarticulate.

i don't condone smashing up police cars [well, not unless it's motivated by revolutionary zeal and not bacardi breezers] but isn't this a kid, defying his parents, trying to throw a big fuck-off party, and then surpassing his expectations? i reckon it's a pretty obvious media beat-up. in the meantime, i hope they keep up the blanket coverage, because every time i see corey delaney's sartorial tribute to parker lewis and flavor flav, i can't help but smile.







* corey, story, allegory, montessori...
** in fairness, from what i remember about the "best" parties at school, this one ticks a few boxes. anti-authoritarianism, crashers in their hundreds, and {apparently) a nude run seemingly for the benefit of a current affair. not bad.

showdowns and throwdowns...breakdowns and shakedowns

let me start by saying that i would very much like to keep this strange creature [POMR] alive for another year, so bear with me while i figure out how to do that. would you mind terribly if i gave you the briefest of summaries, asked for your pardon, and moved on?

in short, i've been away having a pretty serious mental health episode. the trouble started earlier in the year and by july had become impossible to ignore. i was diagnosed with clinical anxiety and depression, and i've decided to write those words here so as to see them for what they are - just little words. of course, in reality, they have big consequences, and in my case, they were very big indeed. my marriage didn't survive, which left me very sad, and neither did my doctoral candidature, which left me less so. to leave both of those relationships behind is absolutely the right thing for me, so please understand that i'm not seeking advice or counsel on either. if you want to know anything at all about me, or my illness, or my flight from the academy, i am an open book but i don't want to talk anymore about the breaking of hearts. love, whether it fails or succeeds, is between lovers. i hope you understand.

but i am, as ever, at your disposal. let's talk about barack and hillary, lindsay and britney, myf and marieke, kev and jules, nicolas and carla, australia and india, and tony and the one true god.

i've missed you...

x

brb

just working up the courage...