drover's dog

still wallowing in nostalgia...the ALP slogan for the '87 election was:

"let's stick together. let's see it through."

now, i don't know about you, but that seems all warm and fuzzy to me - i instantly felt good when i read it. as far as political rhetoric goes, it was effective on me until i thought about it properly. 2 things to consider here:

1. the left felt utterly abandoned by hawke, who had broken with his commitment to workers after becoming prime minister on the back of his ACTU presidency. so they may have been baffled by the call to "stick together" and might well have used the word "stick" in a different context.
2. imagine if the current liberal government asked us to stick together and see this through? what would we make of that? how might we respond?

isn't it odd to consider the weight of words? how they can mean so much at one time, and then be completely useless? *furrows brow and strokes chin thoughtfully*

if nothing else, i will retain this slogan for use on people trying to leave the pub early ie. 'come on, *insert lame friend's name*! let's stick together! let's see it through! let's go to pony!'

ugh. pony.

something to celebrate in public life

the best thing about this week is that it's been the worst one in ages for howard. the public uniformly agrees that he is lying through his teeth over the wheat scandal [which, thanks to speers, has finally engaged me] and he looks like more of a hapless, heartless fuck than usual in the face of the "where's kovco?" debacle.* unfortunately, i think the furore over misplacing a corpse has superseded the proper question of 'why the hell was he there in the first place?'. so the thing to celebrate is not the senseless death of a young man but rather the fact that his story provides incontrovertible evidence of failure on the part of this government, and may lead others to question howard's repositioning of military conflict at the centre of our national memory.

still on howard [but with more of the ha ha], i had a small celebration this morning when i stumbled on a sound file of him conceding defeat to hawke after the 1987 federal election.

http://www.australianpolitics.com/elections/1987/
[hit this and scroll down for the link]

so. much. fun. once i consoled myself over the fact that 1987 was the last time howard ever had to say "sorry. i'm shit. i lost.", i settled in to relish the sound of his voice calling up from a bottomless pit of misery [was that too venomous?]. but seriously, it did feel good to remember that he was beaten and beaten and beaten. he lost the leadership in 1989 [remember 'lazarus with a triple bypass'? - i love rundle for saying that it was howard's sole contribution to australian political wit] and had to come back from it. maybe we need a labor leader who doesn't fold like a cheap suit after an election loss. or maybe just one that isn't shit to start with? [sorry simon, you're a doll, and embattled, and very nice i'm sure, but come on]. oh no, this celebration is taking a decidedly dark turn...

aaaaand, we're back. courtesy of bonnie, we can rescue celebration post #1 with a little known fact about south korea. apart from the fact that it's a confucian country [yep, that's ace] they also number the buildings on their streets in a slightly unorthodox way. go on, have a guess. oh, you'll never guess. they assign numbers to buildings, not sequentially or on the basis of where they are positioned relative to other buildings, but rather according TO THE YEAR IN WHICH THEY WERE BUILT. are you finding a bit of love in your heart for the koreans? not only have they endured untold suffering at the hands of the west and their own people but they're ALSO WACKY AND ZANY AND FUN.

now that's something to celebrate in public life...








*i realise that this was of absolutely no consequence in the cases of tampa, siev x, cornelia rau, vivian alvarez solon, peter qasim, and the entire stolen generation. but they weren't [white] anzacs...

achtung

nothing like a near-catastrophe to restore your perspective. mere hours after my last post [which is to say in the middle of the night], i tipped a drink over my laptop. this action had a number of effects. as some of you more technologically savvy punters will know, electronic equipment does not like having liquids poured into it. this was a lesson i learnt a couple of years ago, after pouring a $1.50 cup of service station coffee over a mobile phone that was worth rather more, while it was sitting in my lap [among other things i learnt that the crotch is equally averse to hot drinks and not to wreck your mobile on the same weekend that you lose your wallet].

the first thing i noticed was the decision of my laptop to stop working. this was actually quite spectacular as far as strikes go - an exorcist style meltdown involving flashing screens, loud beeping noises and the settings on my computer changing unassisted. of course, this precipitated the next turn of events: my total and ineluctable loss of composure. i placed a call to my only computer-inclined friend [in london] whose exact words were "make a sausage out of a towel and tip the laptop upside down on top of it". as you can imagine, i was cheered by this perfectly sensible advice. no wait - i'm pretty sure i hurled abuse along the lines of: "that is ridiculous", "what kind of geek are you?", "i hate your guts", and "what would you know?". mercifully, i stopped short at "thanks for nuthin'" because as you may have guessed, she was absolutely right and i am now typing this on the very same machine. so "thanks for sumthin'" ms bertram - you're a gentleman and a scholar*.

and a big shout-out to paul at another world computers in coburg [who will, of course, never read this] for his generous assistance and impressive restraint in the face of my abject stupidity. if anyone needs computery stuff in melbourne, please grant him your custom. he also sells mousepads where your forearm gets to rest between two giant squishy boobs.

all in all, crisis averted. i had not backed up [but of course! i hear you say] and i did lose a day or two of writing time waiting for my little anzac day miracle to occur, but i'd say i got out of this one pretty easy. backed up is now my middle name [well, that and helen] and i'm working to make up lost time. this has required me to neglect the path for now, even though the past few days have been blogging GOLD.

remember when you used to sit exams and you spent too much time on the first essay questions and then realised you had to write the last essay in four minutes? i will now adopt the time-honoured "bullet points" tactic for getting my message across in shorthand, and maybe i can blogify these topics at a later date:

• the anzacs lost private kovco
• tom cruise's evil spawn reached earth
• angry croc in chainsaw massacre [i'm not kidding, google it]
• the pies won for the 3rd week in a row

that might have to do for now. needless to say, i was surprised at how much my computer meant to me. in the interim, when i thought it had died, i was pretty messy. in a fair bit of shock at what it would mean to have lost my thesis but also wondering how i would replace something worth more than my car. it's easily the most expensive thing i own. but beyond its exchange value i recognised its use value - not just because my life's work is hidden inside it but also because i had really started to like the idea of keeping up this blog.

phew. i feel cleansed. carry on.

*this is my idea of the highest compliment so i will pay it to whomever i please, irrespective of their gender or occupation.

holding on

let me begin by saying i shouldn't really be here. this is just so you know the novelty hasn't worn off and the only thing keeping me from writing here is a TWENTY THOUSAND WORD REPORT. that and sulking because bonnie is going to korea in june and just before that, will be spending my birthday at a retreat doing some new age meditation yogalates hippy claptrap. don't worry, she already called the waaah-mbulance on me. when i found out she was going, tom waits was singing "hold on" on the radio, which brought tears to my eyes. i'll miss her madly.

in the meantime, the university is rudely demanding that i prove the past year and a half to have been productive. i have to submit an enormous progress review - little of which is actually to be included in my thesis, by the by, mostly literature reviews and useless documents describing the various methodological difficulties i have encountered. last night, i wasted about two hours drafting a response that began this way:

'the biggest methodological difficulty has been jumping through ridiculous hoops for faculty reviews, most of which come at a crucial time in the research process and all of which are exercises in despair. i feel they are designed to provide senior academics with an opportunity to gleefully kick the shit out of my hard work, destroying my will to live [and write] in the process...'

you get the picture. needless to say, this approach may be unhelpful to my cause. the bottom line is that, at this moment, i wish i'd chased my dream of opening a power ballad karaoke bar instead of going into academia. the report is due in a week, so if any new posts appear between now and then, you may relish the knowledge that writing to you is merely a procrastination technique.

oh also, saw tim minchin on friday. he is rather funny and quite the good singer. see him if you get the chance [if you love piano cabaret, gallows humour and swear words]. and before you make the comparison, he is the REAL eddie perfect.

and bonnie, just so you know, i am now listening to tom waits incessantly, thereby increasing the risk of an existential crisis at a most inconvenient time.

push it good

we've all seen it happen. seemingly normal people at the pub; drinking, laughing, talking, dancing. dancing in a conventional manner....until THAT song begins. that's right - the slutty dancing song*. i submit that certain songs have the power to help people find their inner pole-dancer. the first of many top fives to appear on this blog, here are the top 5 slutty dancing songs:


5. 'push it' by salt 'n' pepa. not played often in innercity melbourne but when it is...yowzer.
4. 'you shook me all night long' by ac/dc. she was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean?
3. 'wild thing' by tone loc. inexplicable pelvic thrusting usually accompanies this song.
2. 'sexual healing' by marvin gaye. beware the baby doctor when this song is on. take cover.
1. 'cream' by prince. get on top, you will cop, don't you stop, shaboogie-bop. enough said.


it must be said that i am powerless to the charms of every one of these, and have been seen dancing in an extremely provocative manner to all of them at one time or another. special mentions should also be made of 'i wanna sex you up' by color me badd [perhaps last heard at a high school dance and too slow for my liking], and 'superstition' by stevie wonder. the latter especially was unlucky not to be included in the top 5. also, 'wild thing' could just as easily have been 'funky cold medina'. tone was clearly invested in creating as much dance floor sluttiness as possible in his short career.

have i neglected to rate any obvious ones? which songs get your motor running? or what songs have you seen fill a dancefloor with blue-light disco levels of sluttiness? help me put together the best birthday party mixtape ever...





*slutty dancing songs are not to be confused with sexy songs, or good dancing songs. i tender george michael's 'father figure' as an an example of the former, and the jackson five's 'i want you back' as my favourite of the latter. just to clarify the difference [and confirm once and for all, that my musical taste is often indistinguishable from that of a gay man].

drop the zero and get with the hero

does anyone remember this charming young fellow?



of course you do. but how many will admit to loving his work? i can personally attest to knowing all the words to "ice ice baby" [still], and to having seen this cinematic gem...

which i watched with a tiny bit of irony, but admittedly not much. it seems that the criminal inclinations of the character in this movie were inspirational to vanilla because he was arrested in 2001, at which time this photo was taken by the broward county police



it seems he was pulling his wife's hair out. um. i think he should have pulled his own out.

i also found out that he 'coined' the rap term "word to your mother" because he misunderstood the reference other rappers made when they said "word to THE Mother" - showing respect for their motherland of africa. yo, mad props, ice.

other things you didn't know/forgot/didn't care to know about robert van winkle:

• he rooted* madonna, as documented in her 'sex' book
• he sampled 'under pressure' without permission and was busted badly for it
• he was in 'teenage mutant ninja turtles II: the secret of the ooze' as himself
• he has 2 daughters called "keelee breeze" and "dusti rain" [whom he apparently hopes will become pornstars one day, judging by the names he gave them]
• his recent "comeback" involved appearing on a celebrity boxing show in 2002. he lost.

this is the most recent photo i could find and i'm pretty sure that's an australian native animal. is vanilla ice secretly living in tasmania?

*use of the word "rooting" is in response to feedback that the blog is so far too highbrow. i tender this entire post as evidence of my obsession with wallowing in the muck of pop culture.

soldi dei soldi dei soldi

speers just messaged me to ask if i saw four corners tonight. i didn't, and i must admit that i hardly ever watch it anymore; i just check the transcripts on the website if it was something interesting. that said, i'm not really that interested in this awb scandal *ducks for cover*. i guess if i'd paid more attention to it, i would be more outraged. but right now i have a distinct feeling of "so what?" about it.

let me clarify - i think it's another in a long line of ridiculous abuses presided over by the current government and i think it's clear that just about everyone involved is in it up to their necks in deliberate deception. it's certainly completely fucked that the country could participate in a phoney war against someone we were assisting in other [illegal] ways. but i guess i'm neither surprised nor completely incensed by it. i kind of yawned when i heard about it. compared with other howard-led fuckups, it didn't really move me. like the fact that we even went to war [and remain there], or the number of australians [and refugees] jailed by dimia, or children going mad in detention centres, or tampa, or the jobless being punished and ridiculed, or unionised workers being sacked etc etc [is there any end to this sentence?].

sigh. i guess i've become very jaded. all day, every day, i examine this government. not just the publicised abuses but the more insidious structural changes that have been underway since 1996, and i'm not easily shocked anymore. i'm still pissed off but it's become selective in order to conserve energy. i think the csiro stuff rocked me more in terms of disclosure and integrity, but the things that keep me awake at night are the human costs of this government [christ, how do I begin to name them... siev x? the homeless? kids in aboriginal camps? adults in aboriginal camps?]. and i understand that this awb thing requires a more conceptual [rather than emotional] approach to understand the gravity of what occurred, but i can't get that upset about a ‘scandal’ that essentially involves money.

the main interest i have in this is not a personal or emotional one, but rather how it’s been covered in the media, and how soon after the inquiry it will be accepted that no heads will roll for this. ministerial accountability is non-existent under howard – if ruddock & vanstone [dimia], reith [waterfront dispute/children overboard], bishop [kerosene baths] and every other arsehole can keep their job, then vaile has little to worry about.

but speers, i will look at the transcript of tonight's program, and cop all criticism on the chin for my apathy on this matter. anyone else who thinks i've made a grave error should feel free to bag me mercilessly...

erfolg!

a gauntlet has been thrown and bonnie is about to learn many useless phrases in languages other than english [hint: erfolg ist deutsch].

my friend dave invited me to join his afl tipping comp this season, despite my tendency to back teams that never win. my strategy has been to tip the teams i like [the ones on struggle street] and tip against the teams i don't like [even if they will almost certainly win]. i tipped 3 from 8 in the first round, thus preparing me for life at the bottom of the competition ladder. but, in a testament to the scrappy fighting spirit of the underdog, round 2 saw 7 of my 8 tips come in! the only one of my teams to be beaten was essendon. who played brisbane. at the gabba. um, yeah.

i've been in melbourne for 2 years, and have dutifully picked a team [collingwood] but i've yet to master the finer points of how this code actually works. so, i've peaked early but i'm sure my tipping for the rest of the season will reflect my queenslanderishness, ie. the inability to fully understand a game that is so different from union and league.

but just like the pies, i'll keep trying.

raison d'etre

the votes are in, and the verdict is...well, here i am. i didn't realise that by kicking things off with a democratic flourish, i would learn so much about my friends. i discovered that some of you have: secret blogs, technophobia, blogophilia, a welcome tendency towards flattery, a quick turn-around time on email responses [ahem - apologies for past/ongoing discretions], and an encyclopaedic knowledge of my pop-culture proclivities. there were 3 nays and the balance were yays, so aside from looking like the latest election in belarus, it's a result i can live with. unlike the outcome of october 2004, from which i've yet to fully recover.

so that leads me to the path of most resistance and why i've invited you to join me here. i'm hoping this can be a forum for discussion [both serious and frivolous], whether it's the daily frustrations of the political landscape, or anything else that's hilarious, or touching, or invigorating. or just some weird shit.

in the midst of a particularly bad day, a friend once said to me "there's nothing to celebrate in public life". he was utterly dejected [he isn't always] and at the time, i agreed with him. but that phrase is now the gauge i use to measure even the smallest success. when female senators, across party lines, rejected abbott's custodianship of ru486 - that was something to celebrate in public life. when petro georgiou spoke out against his party on the mandatory detention of refugees, that was something to celebrate in public life. it's an idea that's kept me sane, and i wanted this to be a space where i pay attention to those little victories.*

of course, there will also be useless analysis of the most inane pop-culture phenomena, and constant reference to things that only i find amusing. so in that sense, it won't be much different to the real-life conversations that we've had over the years. except i won't be able to see your eyes glaze over. that said, if you want anything linked, or found out, or editorialised - speak up.

so, in the immortal words of the broncos commercial circa 1991 [you can take the girl out of brisbane etc.] - let's go...





*disclaimer: i will also complain bitterly about whatever pisses me off, legitimate or otherwise. so if you're an employee of yarra trams/a parking inspector/a fundamentalist christian/a member of a right-wing organisation ... you may be offended by my narrow-mindedness and foul language. i'm afraid i'm not sorry.

numero uno

let us begin...